slow and steady wins...

"Anything that is real can afford to be somewhat slow,

but that which is false always moves hastily."

W.L.

ro, ro, ro,... is married!!!

ro is getting married today... actually i think she is married even now as i am typing this. she's having a private family ceremony at a friend's beautiful texas home, and then having a celebration-meeting-like reception out in elgin for the masses. i think i will go... but it's out in the country, and i don't know what to wear... any dress shoes that i have brought with me will probably have me sinking kankle-deep into the muddy ground out there... pray to God that it doesn't rain... that would be disastrous.

when there's a time

ok, this is a test... i've yet to upload anything to this site... but i have this sweet mp3 clip that a friend sung for me and i wanted to share it with you all.

when there's a time

uhm... i'll have it up as soon as i figure this out... (plus i'm on an ancient computer right now... a friend's... so it may be a while).

drunk-er on fatigue...

well i just had 4 back-to-back appointments from 10am-2pm... FOUR! and they went great. this serving business isn't all that bad after all...

of course, (and i say that because it seems to have become a fact of my life) this poor girl suffered from lack of sleep... last night was about a 3 hour night, as i probably fell asleep well after 3-something-am and woke to get ready for coordination at 6:30am. it wasn't the late-night phone call that kept me up either. (thank God i had someone to spend those lonely hours with). it was the awful horrid 3 hour nap i accidentally took from 5-8:30ish PM last night. grrrrr! again, all i can say is THANK GOD for COFFEE!! so today on preventative measures i started my MUCH NEEDED nap at 3:45pm and religiously set my alarm for 4:30pm... a 45-minute sleep cycle... awh! (and WHY!? didn't i do that yesterday!??!). hmmm. well, all is well on this evening... we'll try for a good night of sleep tonight.

super-sized serving capacity...

babble... i had 4 hours of sleep last night.

all i can say is...

thank u jesus for coffee!!

tomorrow i will start my brief visit of the apprenticeship/serving in austin... beginning at 7:45am with coordination... o lord! craziness. i had a good talk with one of my 'dads' here last night. i think my ideas about serving are slowing beginning to be distilled... he wanted to know if i wanted to extend my visit for a larger taste of serving... hmmm... that could be tempting. i wish i wouldn't get all set in my ways and needing to know 'what-i-am-doing-with-my-life' so-i-can-tell-everyone-who-asks... because all everyone knows is that i am planning to go back to oregon to teach/work and be around my family for a while (after a long 5 year stretch of being absent from most family related things)... which could be true... i may very well be doing that, but then there is always a chance that the lord will be directing my paths other ways... grr...i'm trying not to begrudge that... but you know how it is, i hate being 'flaky'... but i'm just at that stage of life where i don't know exactly what i will be doing next... and i'm open to change... i could just close up... but... ya... closing up isn't always the best thing.

i have/had so many concepts about what serving is, what my role would be, how i wouldn't like it or couldn't handle it... etc... that i had to open to someone about it in order to free myself of all the hot air those concepts held so that i wouldn't be swepted away by the slightest breeze.

one big concern i had was related to my serving capacity... i've been pooped! so tired since i got out of college, went through the training, and tried to carry on with my life... i didn't think i had much of capacity, atleast not one worth investing... but the more i hear about what serving is, and how different it is from life at the training... the better it sounds. austin is such a safe place to begin serving... there is such a great net here... and so much emphasis on shepherding... and being shepherded... who wouldn't like that? and when i brought up my concern with my 'dad', he told me about how the point was to find your comfort zone and to stay there! not to suck-it-up and push the envelope, sink, and drown... i was so relieved... and yet i was still worried that i wouldn't be able to be satisfied with my capacity level/size... atleast not if it stayed where it is right now... i thought, what if i just can't make it? oh man... would i feel less of a person? it's too bad you can get your serving capacity at a drive-up window...

"excuse me, miss, would you like your serving super-sized today?"

uhm, yah... right... but... thank God for fellowship... i forgot that the Lord has created us each with a measure, and we are required only to function within that measure... awh...

of course other concerns are my refusal to adhear fulltime to a dress-code... maybe i could handle it while on campus, but i'd be scared to think that i would be dressed-like-a-fulltimer forever and at all times!!!! i hated my clothes at the training... button-ups with skirts and close-toed shoes... i just felt hideous all the time... maybe i just didn't have the money for some 'nice'-looking clothes... well, it's not like i have the $ for it now either... no way jose!!! neways, i have a feeling i'll be talking more about this later...

just love him...

love, it's a crazy thing. but to love seems even more a crazy thing.

it's interesting, but often i feel like i just don't love Him... however, recently i was reminded to just keep telling Him that i love Him... over and over again, saying... "lord jesus, i love You." "lord jesus, i love You." sometimes by saying this in such a repetitive way, i would get the feeling that i'm trying to convence myself that i still love Him... and i worry that telling Him i love Him runs the risk of having to give up all my other loves when i'm not ready to let them go. to me, loving Him, or atleast telling Him i loved Him was not that "safe" of a thing to do. but last night i read something in chpt two of Life and Building in the Song of Songs in a home mtg...

"just love Him... do not care for anything else... no other way is so SAFE, so rich, and so full of enjoyment."

and i was reminded that as long as we love Him from the deepest part of our being, everything will be alright. and u know what? we don't have to worry about being hypocritical, because there is LOVE that He has poured out in our hearts for Him in the DEPTHS of our being... in our spirit!! because He is in our spirit, and He is Love (1 john 4:8) and as long as we stand one with that part of our being and declare, "Lord, i love you... Lord, i still love You... Lord, You know that i love You!..." we are speaking the truth, no matter what our actions speak... and what's awesome is that when we stand with that part of our being... and declare that we love Him... more of His love is poured out in our hearts... we are being painted, permeated, satuated just a little more with His element... and His heart's desire is taking place!! wow! His desire for us to love Him does not require us to let go of everything else first... it's been my experience that even in the midst of my pursuit of other things, as long as i open and just tell Him, "Lord, I still love You," He adds a little more of Himself into my being, still allowing me to do what i do... until eventually without any sense of loss that other thing isn't tugging at my heart anymore... it's really sweet. of course, sometimes i TRY to LET GO of something before i've allowed the Lord to fill that part and it's really all in my own self effort, and hence, a completely painful process... so i don't recommend doing it that way. the Lord's filling doesn't always occur all at once, so you need not worry that telling Him you love Him is going to make you do something you don't want to do... the Lord doesn't make us do anything. it's importand to see that it's not in what we can do for Him out of our own effort, or in how we act(in choosing good over evil, right over wrong), but in how much we exercise to stand ONE with that part of our being, our spirit and allow Him to add Himself to us. everyday He is just waiting for those opportunities for us to open, tell Him we love Him, and to be dispensed into our very being. the fact is, we do love Him...dispite our feelings, dispite what our actions were, and dispite the outward circumstances... we love Him. isn't that sweet!? wow.

so whatever you do today, just remember to tell Him that you love Him... don't let the enemy tell you that you're a hypocite. rather, stand not with your actions, but with your spirit. let Him saturate you more with Himself. then carry on with your day, responding to His drawing with more "lord i love You's" not caring for right or wrong, good or evil, or even letting go... just love Him. do not care for anything else, just love Him.

i love u, and i love the Christ in you...
mlejane

only the lonely...

i don't want to spend another lonely night...
(a line from a country song... that keeps whistling through my head).

missing person

the other day i sent out an email to an address i am hoping is who i think it is... i'm looking to recontact a long lost friend. i've heard he doesn't want to have any contact with church people, but i don't care. he's my friend gosh darn it, whether he's in the church life or not. i wish he wouldn't excommunicate himself from people that consider him a friend... maybe he doesn't feel the same way? maybe he just wants to be left alone... i don't want to bug him, i just want to be his friend. perhaps he has enough friends and could care less that i still consider him a friend. it's been almost a week now since i sent out that email... i'm sure he's avoiding me. because even it isn't him, i asked the person to be kind enough to respond and let me know. it must be his addy, else i would have heard from him by now. besides it was a cellular addy, u know, an @verizon.com email addy... well, dude, if ur out there and u happen to come across this blog by some miracle... please respond. i won't sell u out... i'd just like to see u again.

alex & emma

last night i watched a movie i hadn't seen (it's probably old and i just don't know it... hello people, i have been out-of-the-loop for some time now)... alex & emma. it's about a writer and how he owes the cuban mofia a lot of money and they make him promise to have the $ within a month... so he has to write this novel within that amount of time... impossible without a stenographer... that's were emma comes in on the scene. anyhow, it's a crazy little movie that flip flops between them and the characters in the story... showing that most stories are actually really about real people in real life. well i'm not sure if that is what it shows or not... but anyways, i actually enjoyed the movie. it was sweet. alex is an average guy, and emma an average gal, both as real as people come. he reminded me of a sweet friend of mine. someone who has a way with words, and is beginning to have a way with me...(keep your thoughts pure, people!).

blog blog blogs

some lazy days i just sit around and ponder... other times i just sit around and stare off into space... and still other times i sit in front of the computer reading random blogs or blogs that i have taken fancy to... check my blog buddy blog... it has some of those.

thinking life as a single woman is good. to be 25 and single is da bomb... i am free to live where i wish, go where i wish, and be what i wish. free free free. wow-wee!

more things that i want to do...

(33) visit the grand canyon (hike and backpack there...catch the sunrise and sunset)
(34) go on a hot air balloon trip
(35) swim with dolphins
(36) take a candlelit bath with someone
(37) visit paris, france
(38) stay up all night long, and watch the sun rise (not on a road trip)
(39) see the Northern Lights
(40) watch a meteor shower
(41) take a sick day when i'm not ill
(42) ask out a stranger
(43) take a midnight skinny dip
(44) hit a home run
(45) visit the birthplace of my ancestors
(46) visit all 50 states
(47) dance with a stranger in a foreign country
(48) backpack through europe
(49) win money on a tv game show, heck, win money any way would be nice
(50) ride a motorcycle
(51) sell my artwork to someone i don't know
(52) have a booth at a street fair
(53) could there be anything else????...

coffee drinkers

YOU KNOW YOURE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN.....

* You answer the door before people knock.
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You ski uphill.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
* You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* All your kids are named "Joe".
* You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
* You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
* You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
* People get dizzy just watching you.
* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
* You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You don't tan, you roast.
* You can't even remember your second cup.
* You help your dog chase its tail.

out-of-control...

mom went grocery shopping with auntie j today and there happened to be a ton of unruly children there... my mom had 4 kids within eight years and she said... "how did i ever handle it?! my children weren't like that..." (ha, the famous words of a mother)... then auntie j said, "you didn't handle it... they were out of control." (the true words of an onlooker). oh well...

just tell him...

ok, at the request of a fellow blogger... here it is... i wrote this poem in college... it's over 4 years old now... it's about the agony of words not spoken and in this case, written regarding love... the pains one passes through in desiring to say what cannot be said or written... because as life is uncertain, so are feelings at times, and that makes them hard to express. it's not a big masterpiece, but i'm pretty happy with it.


the letter of a captive thought to my hand

this all could be said
only my tongue is laced.
just tell him.
words like caged animals
hungrily pace the floor of my mind.
my emotions become infuriated with each step
and burn away at the patience in my being
leaving my face
to it's own twisted fate
revealing the barred mass of confusion
i love him, i think i love him.
just say it.
just tell him.
in the silence my thoughts whisper
then grow bold
until they scream inside me
oh, but I CAN'T. I CAN'T.
piercing shrieks of a restrained heart.
their voices are dulled by
a will without a way
it can wait
it sure could wait
after all, he has no idea.
once again the shrills have waned
due to his ignorant involvement
may they die there --
set my being at peace
put out the fire in my soul
but they do not die --
they will not die
their embers faintly glow.
i love him.
he needs to know.
hell, i need to know,
how my palms hold the fear of response
so incapable of the pen --
surely if my lips do not sound
cannot my hands the pen employ?
do the job, o hand.
you must. you simply must
tell him.
just tell him. tell him.

i love you.

things i want to do:

in no particular order...

(1) dance at my wedding
(2) own a house
(3) grow a garden
(4) own a truck
(5) see Phantom of the Opera
(6) see Les Miserables
(7) stop biting my nails
(8) travel to NZ
(9) own a digital camera
(10) own a lap top
(11) hang glide
(12) go to hawaii
(13) give a lap dance
(14) see the stars from an observatory
(15) live near the ocean
(16) visit a winery / vineyard
(17) walk for a cause
(18) run for a cause
(19) volunteer for a cause
(20) sing in a musical
(21) act in a play
(22) tap dance
(23) paint the walls in my house
(24) knit a blanket
(25) quilt a blanket
(26) paint a mural
(27) go back packing
(28) dye my hair
(30) do something "extreme" with my hair
(31) skinny dip
(32) write and illustrate children's books
(33)
.
.
.

don't ask

you ask me, how ya doing?
but you don't really care
your eyes pass right through me
without seeing something's there

do you know what you are asking?
there is responsibility behind those words
didn't you know that?
didn't you know that when you slapped those words across my face?
they left welts behind that stung as you looked away
you looked away!
unable to see what my eyes were ready to scream
you looked away!
to blind yourself of the responsibility of what you asked
if only you knew what those words have touched...
but you looked away
unwilling to read it in my face, in my actions
the dog is not blind
he discerns me with those undaunting eyes
waiting with those attentive ears
knows nothing of small talk
but incapable he could not ask
else i'd tell him.

how ya been?
i want to tell you
but your deaf ears silence me.

how are you?
i want to tell you
but you stab me with your darting eyes

so i reply that i'm fine
and you believe that's how i am
if i told you how it really was
forget it - you don't give a damn.

don't ask then look away,
in fact, just D O N' T A S K !

drunk on fatigue

where i came up with the title for this blog... a poem i wrote in college.

drunk on fatigue

seven-twenty-nine, you're still in bed
attempting to rise on a tank half-full
a minute flies overhead
like an air-raid to the drunken soul

set on a downward twist
a camakazi plane
attention! synaspes missed
reducing thoughts to a dull pain

the blackboard - that blackhole
never coming quite into focus
the lecture - shots fired, targets missed
mumble jumble hocus pocus

it's three a.m. - go to sleep!
before the day will break
you slip into the deep
getting only a minimum of what you seek

stop the struggle
for in time you're slowly warn
into three hours you try to smuggle
you're no more victor in the morn.

caffine, it's what makes us tick.

"seven days without our coffee makes one weak."

oh MY!!

ok, so i used that button at the top of every blog site that says, NEXT BLOG. only to be linked to this incredibly funny, ironic (b/c i've recently taken up knitting) site. http://queerjoe.blogspot.com/
it's about male knitters. ha! you know since i have been up here in canada and have been found to be knitting in public, many men actually admit to me that they once learned how to knit... when they were like 10, they would say, and their granny taught them. interesting.

confessions of the well-rested

ok, contrary to this blog site title, i've had a great night of sleep... amazing!

i love duvets. not just the way the word sounds across my lips, but they are soooo warm and cozy. and two pillows are a must for a great night sleep. one under the head, and one to cuddle. awh... so nice. i can't remember if i dreamed last night or not. hmmm. and i pressed the snooze button like ten times.

i have an online bf. i never get to see him. but he says the sweetest things, sends me music, and lets me be me. oh, it just occurred to me that you might be thinking bf meant boyfriend. ha ha... well, i was referring to my online best friend. so ya, just to clarify. he's a sweet heart though. however it's our sometimes late night chats that cause my fatigue... it's my fault. he's always the one to say g'night first. i could go on chatting forever. poor hunny, i should probably not keep him up so late. he's a student after all. i will try to behave. but then if he found out that i was "trying" he'd just tell me to stop and to just be me. what a great fellow.

i borrowed my friend's ceramic flatiron and spent over an hour on my hair today. sad, i know... but it looks great. sometimes i neglect it, so this isn't too extreme. it's served me well, i should pamper it now and again. mop that it is. speaking of which... i met this girl yesterday who said she knew me... met me before someplace in CA a few years ago, said she remembered me as the girl who played piano and had huge hair. nice. i really must get my own ceramic flat iron SOOON!

this one is the best... i'm watching chinese soaps with subtitles (chinese ones at that)... i only can catch, thank you and i love you. probably because those are two of my limited 6 chinese phrases. vancouver bc is great.