something from my past

i was revisiting some of the files on my computer... this is the computer i had while i was in college. i kept a online journal on a personal web-site i had back then, which has since then disappeared into the waves of cyberspace. it's interesting rereading these entries. here is an account entitled "insight".

INSIGHT

(02/05/00)
Well, so much for a "winning/smiling-streak" for my journal entries... this comes from a very sober heart and probably be the most eye-opening entry into a person's life... why put it up on the WWW, well because i think a lot of people can relate, and i think a lot of people need to know that even beneath the most smiley of friends, they are going through something that could very well feel like it is killing them...

Underneath that smiling face is a being that is slowly realizing the world around her and that realization is causing her to cry uncontrolably for the life she once had... one of her largest tears is coming from the realization that she has reached that dreaded(but sometimes not so dreaded) peak in regards to relationships with people... she has prayed that this day would never come. b/c she loves people to much and she values her friendships so highly... people do not know how much their being a part of her life means to her and her exisitance... it really means a lot. who likes to walk this life alone? she doesn't either. but slowly as we grow older our friendships begin to do one of two things, progress or degress... nothing stays the same, no-one will stay constant... someone on one side of the relationship wants to move forward or backward, and she seems to be stuck in wanting that ideal constant, for just a little longer (until she can make up her mind, which is a terrible thing... or at least until the Lord can come in and do some work in it)... but meanwhile she cries... for that constant... and for the courage to understand that she's losing her life, that is, her friends only because she can't or won't allow it to progress... why? b/c progress is for THE one... and that decision is not so easily made,... so slowly and unfortunately surely, those friends are being weeded out, dropping like flies into regression and it leaves her feeling so alone on the inside (even admits the crowd she's sometimes in)... unfortunately for her not one will be a constant while she seeks the Lord and searches her heart for THE one. not one will stay and comfort her... and be a friend when the going gets tough and the friends start regressing... so here remains the problem: she HATES regression. but she FEARS progression.

take another little piece of my heart now baby

in reply to a post from my beloved annstars i boldly say:
in an attempt to educate me on the opposite sex, i remember the first time my big bro told me that: "guys just tell you want you want to hear"... and when my big sis told me that: "guys are only 'gentlemen' for the first couple months if you're lucky... then once they got ya, you can say good-bye to the nice guy."

well, you gotta love the advice from the elder-more-experienced siblings. i couldn't decide whether they were really trying to help or if they were trying to make my dating world more miserable. after my brother said that stuff all i could hear coming out of guys mouths was just what you've said you're hearing... and i could hardly bear to take a compliment for fear of lack of sincerity.

and after my sister's advice, well, every time a guy would do something nice, i couldn't help thinking... 'now what date is this? how long have we been together? blah blah blah!" ya, so i feel your pain, my love, to the core of my heart. it's true by loving we give away a piece of our hearts... we can't help it that we were made to love, can we? hence, pieces, that's what we've become... pieces... shards... but take heart, my dear one... despite what it may feel, we've still got the better part of our hearts left to give to that deserving man wherever he may be. (and he's out there... he just hasn't found you yet... and when he does, i'll smack him upside the head and ask him, "what took you so long!?"). *wink*

set your mind

thoughts on moving to austin...

i want to go. i think it will be a good opportunity. however as i begin to think about it, a few complications come up... and perhaps it's just because i'm thinking too much... but that practical side just gets the best of me. ok, so when i think of packing up to go there... my plan is only to be there for the 5 month semester. but i would still love to have my own computer there (how else will i keep up with my blog and chat sessions on a regular basis?!). but moving my computer and a few other things may involve shipping things again, and didn't i just ship all these things out of austin two years ago!? grrr... it's like that in life, isn't it. oh well.

another thing is the whole dress code thing. it's damn freezin here right now, so it's nearly impossible to figure how to pack for such a semester. and having to wear skirts all the time isn't getting me all excited (i wasn't expecting that to happen anyways). it's the dead of winter for heaven's sake... and lord knows i haven't shaved in weeks... and thinking of wearing a skirt in that condition is enough to scare me alone. i still need to do some more shopping i'm afraid... i still need some shoes. and that means spending more money... argh.

i still haven't gotten a "go" from the bros in austin, even though it seems a go from the bros here... this waiting business i was never really any good at. grrr... anxiety is not my portion... christ is. (i just have to keep reminding myself of that).

hm... i guess i've just been thinking about this all a little too much, because i can feel an uber headache coming on. grrrr.

brrrr!!

man, it's freezing here. just above 32F at 36F... and my hands and toes are freezing as i'm sitting here at the computer. gotta go upstairs and get that hot drink to wrap my hands around... gonna have to go get that cozy blanket to cuddle up in... again pooh bear is a poor substitute for a bed buddy. he lacks body heat. tonight it's supposed to get down to 28F at 8am and then only 43F at 5 pm tomorrow. BRRRRRRRrrrrrrr! cold and chilly!

change

it's that time again--just when it gets cold outside the hordes of 'homeless' people crowd the street corners... rising early to claim their spot on the corner of busy intersections. holding up signs that read: homeless. cold. wet. hungry. and please help! anything! god bless! ok, i'll be honest and say that i've passed my doggy-bagged lunch or dinner left-overs to them before... but i can't bring myself to give them cash. i mean, i'm pretty sure that they make pretty good money off everyone else.

i saw an 'inspirational' magnet on my sister's fridge and got a bright idea... it would make a great t-shirt for those 'homeless' people on the street corners... it would read: today i accept change. or if that didn't work, they could always get one of those credit card t-shirts... and say... personal checks or credit welcome.

you are a masterpiece

people are like crayons,
it's not what color they are,
it's the picture they make!

Visit the Crayon Box:

peek-a-boo

"you've got to hide your love away" -the beetles


where are you hiding? better yet, why are you hiding?

avril harvey!

i just attended my 6-yr-old nephew's first rock concert with him this past tuesday. he's SO in love with avril lavigne. he's "stuck" on her (as kids say it these days). we had the most perfect suite seating... right in line with the stage (so we could see both the stage and 'behind-the-scenes'). before the concert started we walked down to the booths to buy a t-shirt... and the boy picked the black one with her face on it... stripping off his own t-shirt he threw it on proudly before returning to the suite struting his stuff with the cutest smirk on his face. during the performance he was caught singing along (he knows all her songs), dancing, and "playin' the drums." he was given a pair of binoculors and he was glued to her... saying "she's even prettier than on my t-shirt. what's even better was when we all shouted from the balcony, "QUENTIN HARVEY LOVES YOU!! HE WANTS TO MARRY YOU!! AVRIL HARVEY!! ARVIL HARVEY!!" he just got so tickled and thought it was the coolest. he's worn the shirt for two days straight now even through the night... we've finally convinced him that he should wash it so it doesn't get stinky. this crush is the cutest thing. he actually thinks he's going to marry her. awh!!!

avril lavigne

thanksgiving

i am thankful for...

my family.
my life.
kidney transplants.
my friends.
the Body of Christ.
my education.
and so much more...

ouch

tonight i am very sore... every muscle in my legs ache and i won't even start on my back... after 18.5 hours of manual labor (potting, mossing, & plastic-packaging with hand-tied (with love) bows... 300 large green plants) i am $212 closer to a rental car. with two more days of nausiating riding and probably 200+ door-to-door personal deliveries i think i will just about have it made. just be sure that i will kill-over during the holidays. who needs a turkey dinner to cause them to fall into a deep sleep? not me. i'm pooped.

for wendy

dear wendy-bird,
check this blog out... i think you will enjoy it.
love, m

leaving on a jet plane...

bought the plane ticket last night. my bags aren't packed... i stil have about a month to prepare. :) i'm debating a haircut. my long locks are getting...yes, long... but i still want to have movement in them... i want highlights too... but i don't know if i can afford them right now. may have to pass on that. my aunts have asked that i would donate my hair to locks-of-love or to them for a wig. i'm flattered. maybe sometime when i get adventurous enough to chop off enough. i think it is like 10 inches or something like that. i haven't decided what to wear off the plane. something resembling my cankle-suit would be funny. but i think not. no more cankle suits for me... sorry babe.

such great heights...

i, i'm thinking its a sign
that the freckles in our eyes are mirrored images
that when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.

i have to speculate
that God Himself did make us into corresponding shapes
like puzzle pieces from the clay.

true, it may seem like a stretch
but it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away
when i am missing you to death.

when you are out there on the road
for several weeks of shows
and when you scan the radio i hope this song will guide you home.

they will see us waving from such great heights
come down now,
they'll say,
but everything looks perfect from far away
come down now,
but we'll stay.

christianity's marriage to the world

i was reading a blog when i came across this line...

"It alarms me because it shows how there is little difference between the world and Christians."

i was just reading 1 John 5 at a Bible-study yesterday and saw that "everything that has been begotten of God overcomes the world..." and i realized that only that which is born of God, that is our regenerated human spirit (john 3:6, "that which is born of the flesh is flesh, but that which is born of the Spirit is spirit"), can overcome the world. in john 4 he says, "You are of God, little children; and you have overcome them because greater is He that is in you than he who is in the world." so today we are in the world, but the part of us that is born of God is our human spirit...

also romans 8:14,16 say, (14)"For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God." (16)"The Spirit Himself witnesses with our spirit that we are children of God."

and in john 4:24 he says... "God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truthfulness."

God is Spirit, so in order for us to worship Him we must do so in our human spirit. it's simple, but a lot of times we complicate it, especially in our mixed relationship with the Lord and the world... chosing to worship Him according to our culture or background, rather than how God has asked us to... in our human spirit.

if our church life and living is not according to and by and with our spirit, it is according to the flesh(even if it has the appearance of something spiritual as so many demoninations do), then there is no way that it can overcome the degredation of it's friendship or even marriage to the world. so it's no wonder that most of God's children have fallen into this horrible condition of mixture of culture and religion. from the OT we know that God hates mixture and will have nothing to do with it. therefore, it all depends on where they are living their christian life, their practical daily church life... in/by their flesh or in/by their spirit, that is mingled and joined to the Lord Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:17-18, (17)"But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit, (18) and the Lord is that Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom".)

Lord call us out of all our degredation into just Yourself... we repent and return to You.

i couldn't agree with Rom. 12:2 more. "and do not be fashioned according to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of the mind that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and well pleasing and perfect."

Lord, call out Your believers from their relationship with the world! gain a remnant on this earth who love and treasure only You! oh how we need our minds renewed, freed from the world and all our culture and religious tendencies!! Lord, we open to Your renewing. we exercise to unload ourselves on You. Lord, renew our minds by adding Yourself to us through Your sanctifying word...because only You are NEW. -amen.

Give up the world! Christ to obtain!

one nation under God...

i am so glad that this election is over.

i cannot tell you how much i hate election year... all the griping and dirt-slinging every four years! i mean, geez people... give it up. leave people alone. let them vote as they deem fit.

the thing is, there is more power in prayer than in persuasive speech.

ok, so i did vote... but i can tell you that i prayed a lot more than i considered who to vote for. my choice was easy... but i still had a burden to pray that the Lord's choice would be fulfilled for the carrying out of His purpose on this earth. even though people are trying to make this a immoral God-less country... by changing the words on our money and removing words out of our pledges, among other things too immoral for me to even give fame to in my blog... one must realize that the US is certainly under God's blessing... and that that blessing is spread to the whole inhabited earth via the US. sure people have countless arguments against that... and believe me, i have heard my earfull... but honestly people... where would this country be today without it's fear of God? i'd hate to find out.

the election is over... but we still must continue to labor and to pray.

have two, give one...

tis the season for kidney transplants in this family.

the donors where truly a blessing from God!

the first being an act of heroism,

and sadly the second was someone's tragedy turned blessing.

did you know that during a kidney transplant they do not normally remove the recepient's non-functioning kidneys?? rather they just add the donated kidney to the recepient's other two... making for three kidneys within one person... so could the recepient in turn resemble a three-kidney-'bean'-salad??!

(uhm ya... sorry...i'll admit, that was ever so slightly cheesy).

well, i just found out today that my auntie just underwent a kidney transplant that had been a long time waiting for (about 2 years now). and what's more is that this is the second transplant of within my family this year. so she is now the second person in my family to possess three kidneys. the first was my older brother jeff (a 'bean'-counter who received the kidney from our younger brother, dave), and now auntie julie just received a kidney from a kadaver(?).