something from my past
i was revisiting some of the files on my computer... this is the computer i had while i was in college. i kept a online journal on a personal web-site i had back then, which has since then disappeared into the waves of cyberspace. it's interesting rereading these entries. here is an account entitled "insight".
INSIGHT
(02/05/00)
Well, so much for a "winning/smiling-streak" for my journal entries... this comes from a very sober heart and probably be the most eye-opening entry into a person's life... why put it up on the WWW, well because i think a lot of people can relate, and i think a lot of people need to know that even beneath the most smiley of friends, they are going through something that could very well feel like it is killing them...
Underneath that smiling face is a being that is slowly realizing the world around her and that realization is causing her to cry uncontrolably for the life she once had... one of her largest tears is coming from the realization that she has reached that dreaded(but sometimes not so dreaded) peak in regards to relationships with people... she has prayed that this day would never come. b/c she loves people to much and she values her friendships so highly... people do not know how much their being a part of her life means to her and her exisitance... it really means a lot. who likes to walk this life alone? she doesn't either. but slowly as we grow older our friendships begin to do one of two things, progress or degress... nothing stays the same, no-one will stay constant... someone on one side of the relationship wants to move forward or backward, and she seems to be stuck in wanting that ideal constant, for just a little longer (until she can make up her mind, which is a terrible thing... or at least until the Lord can come in and do some work in it)... but meanwhile she cries... for that constant... and for the courage to understand that she's losing her life, that is, her friends only because she can't or won't allow it to progress... why? b/c progress is for THE one... and that decision is not so easily made,... so slowly and unfortunately surely, those friends are being weeded out, dropping like flies into regression and it leaves her feeling so alone on the inside (even admits the crowd she's sometimes in)... unfortunately for her not one will be a constant while she seeks the Lord and searches her heart for THE one. not one will stay and comfort her... and be a friend when the going gets tough and the friends start regressing... so here remains the problem: she HATES regression. but she FEARS progression.
INSIGHT
(02/05/00)
Well, so much for a "winning/smiling-streak" for my journal entries... this comes from a very sober heart and probably be the most eye-opening entry into a person's life... why put it up on the WWW, well because i think a lot of people can relate, and i think a lot of people need to know that even beneath the most smiley of friends, they are going through something that could very well feel like it is killing them...
Underneath that smiling face is a being that is slowly realizing the world around her and that realization is causing her to cry uncontrolably for the life she once had... one of her largest tears is coming from the realization that she has reached that dreaded(but sometimes not so dreaded) peak in regards to relationships with people... she has prayed that this day would never come. b/c she loves people to much and she values her friendships so highly... people do not know how much their being a part of her life means to her and her exisitance... it really means a lot. who likes to walk this life alone? she doesn't either. but slowly as we grow older our friendships begin to do one of two things, progress or degress... nothing stays the same, no-one will stay constant... someone on one side of the relationship wants to move forward or backward, and she seems to be stuck in wanting that ideal constant, for just a little longer (until she can make up her mind, which is a terrible thing... or at least until the Lord can come in and do some work in it)... but meanwhile she cries... for that constant... and for the courage to understand that she's losing her life, that is, her friends only because she can't or won't allow it to progress... why? b/c progress is for THE one... and that decision is not so easily made,... so slowly and unfortunately surely, those friends are being weeded out, dropping like flies into regression and it leaves her feeling so alone on the inside (even admits the crowd she's sometimes in)... unfortunately for her not one will be a constant while she seeks the Lord and searches her heart for THE one. not one will stay and comfort her... and be a friend when the going gets tough and the friends start regressing... so here remains the problem: she HATES regression. but she FEARS progression.
posted by mlejane at 2:26 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home