super-sized serving capacity...

babble... i had 4 hours of sleep last night.

all i can say is...

thank u jesus for coffee!!

tomorrow i will start my brief visit of the apprenticeship/serving in austin... beginning at 7:45am with coordination... o lord! craziness. i had a good talk with one of my 'dads' here last night. i think my ideas about serving are slowing beginning to be distilled... he wanted to know if i wanted to extend my visit for a larger taste of serving... hmmm... that could be tempting. i wish i wouldn't get all set in my ways and needing to know 'what-i-am-doing-with-my-life' so-i-can-tell-everyone-who-asks... because all everyone knows is that i am planning to go back to oregon to teach/work and be around my family for a while (after a long 5 year stretch of being absent from most family related things)... which could be true... i may very well be doing that, but then there is always a chance that the lord will be directing my paths other ways... grr...i'm trying not to begrudge that... but you know how it is, i hate being 'flaky'... but i'm just at that stage of life where i don't know exactly what i will be doing next... and i'm open to change... i could just close up... but... ya... closing up isn't always the best thing.

i have/had so many concepts about what serving is, what my role would be, how i wouldn't like it or couldn't handle it... etc... that i had to open to someone about it in order to free myself of all the hot air those concepts held so that i wouldn't be swepted away by the slightest breeze.

one big concern i had was related to my serving capacity... i've been pooped! so tired since i got out of college, went through the training, and tried to carry on with my life... i didn't think i had much of capacity, atleast not one worth investing... but the more i hear about what serving is, and how different it is from life at the training... the better it sounds. austin is such a safe place to begin serving... there is such a great net here... and so much emphasis on shepherding... and being shepherded... who wouldn't like that? and when i brought up my concern with my 'dad', he told me about how the point was to find your comfort zone and to stay there! not to suck-it-up and push the envelope, sink, and drown... i was so relieved... and yet i was still worried that i wouldn't be able to be satisfied with my capacity level/size... atleast not if it stayed where it is right now... i thought, what if i just can't make it? oh man... would i feel less of a person? it's too bad you can get your serving capacity at a drive-up window...

"excuse me, miss, would you like your serving super-sized today?"

uhm, yah... right... but... thank God for fellowship... i forgot that the Lord has created us each with a measure, and we are required only to function within that measure... awh...

of course other concerns are my refusal to adhear fulltime to a dress-code... maybe i could handle it while on campus, but i'd be scared to think that i would be dressed-like-a-fulltimer forever and at all times!!!! i hated my clothes at the training... button-ups with skirts and close-toed shoes... i just felt hideous all the time... maybe i just didn't have the money for some 'nice'-looking clothes... well, it's not like i have the $ for it now either... no way jose!!! neways, i have a feeling i'll be talking more about this later...