don't cry for me?...

It's been a long time since I've needed to cry myself to sleep at night. Trying to remain strong, yet blubbering like a baby. Mumbling things to a God that listens to the confessions resounding from my broken heart.

"He understands us thoroughly there's nothing He does not know... all your problems and weakness..."

Ok, so He knows, He knows... sometimes I hate that He knows and I don't. I can't even know what it is that I fully want. So I just cry out it all out at/to Him and tell Him what really bugs about His plan for me... whatever that might be. Telling Him how unfair it all is... for me... for him... How unfair it is to love and have things not be. If we are not supposed to be then He should heal our wounded hearts, right? He's our Maker, our Healer.

I don't even remember the moments right before falling asleep, but I did eventually sleep, because I woke in the morning with puffy eyes and tear stains on my cheeks surrounded by a crowd of snot filled tissues.

If there is one thing that I remember, it's that this sort of unhappiness is not of God. So then what am I doing? Oh I'm so confused. SO utterly confused. This was supposed to clear the waters... what has clouded them once again?